You Liked Me I Like

I don’t post much about the weird searches that directed people to my blog, since the vast majority of people who end up here were looking for info on “shrinking breasts.” That’s right, I’m number 1 on google for “shrinking breasts.” Which is actually pretty sad if you think about it, since I assume people who are googling shrinking breasts are actually looking for medical advice, which they sure as hell aren’t getting here.

Lately, though, I’ve had a few interesting searches.

Someone got here by searching for "you liked me I like." I liked you? Really? But I hardly know you.

I think someone is planning an emo wedding, because I’ve gotten two related searches: “emo wedding first dance songs” and “girl emo tiaras.”

I obsessed over the first dance for my wedding, so I have some experience here. The problem with choosing an emo song for your wedding is twofold: 1) Most emo songs are fast and thus not really appropriate for the traditional slow first dance, and 2) although many emo songs are about love, they are generally of the “my girlfriend dumped me and I totally miss her and now I just get drunk a lot” variety, making many of them not the best choice for a wedding. That said, I do have a couple of suggestions:

“Hear You Me” or “23” by Jimmy Eat World
“I’ll Catch You” by the Get Up Kids
And if you don’t mind not having a slow song, “Skips a Beat (Over You)” by the Promise Ring would work well.

Although it’s not exactly what I would call emo, “Heaven” by the Fire Theft is an awesome song, and it’s by the guys from Sunny Day Real Estate, and they totally qualify as emo.

As for girl emo tiaras, although I know way too much about tiaras, I don’t think I can help you with this one. Because you know what’s not very emo? Tiaras.

I got two people searching for the meaning of the lyrics of “Blue Skies” by Strays Don’t Sleep. Actually, maybe it was the same person phrasing their query slightly differently. I’m too lazy to try to match the search up with an IP or location. From the first verse it seems like it’s about someone thinking about their ex (“It’s been a long year since we last spoke”) and forgiving them for whatever went wrong in the relationship. The second verse hints that the ex in question is now dead (“Could I have saved you?”), perhaps from suicide (“You alone with those pills”). It’s all about forgiveness and shit. I know this because they played it on One Tree Hill during a scene where Nathan forgave Haley for leaving him to become a rock star and Lucas forgave Brooke for sleeping with Chris Keller (which was far less forgivable in my opinion, since Chris is a douchebag who refers to himself in the third person. But I digress.). Yeah, I need to get out more.

Someone asked “is it ok to send mass card to family after the funeral?” Yes, it’s absolutely fine to send a mass card after the funeral. This is what people who can’t make it to the funeral generally do. It’s what I did recently when my uncle in another country died. Please stop by Tiaras Optional for all your funeral etiquette questions.

Apparently, all my posts about mixed tapes have made me a go-to girl for mixed tape suggestions. To the person searching for “make a mix tape, songs, he broke my heart,” first of all, I’m very sorry, but remember, there are lots of other fish in the sea and all those cliches. For an awesome breakup mix, try the following songs:

Yeah, Oh Yeah by Magnetic Fields
My Friend Peter by Alkaline Trio
Your Cheatin’ Heat by Hank Williams
Rootless Tree by Damien Rice
The Mixed Tape by Jack’s Mannequin
Breaking My Heart by Aqualung
Is She Really Going Out with Him by Joe Jackson
Goodbye Forever by Alkaline Trio
Fuck and Run by Liz Phair
This Is Getting Over You by Alkaline Trio (actually pretty much anything by Alkaline Trio will work. Those guys know breakups.)

Listen to the mix nonstop for two weeks. By the end of that time, you’ll be really sick of wallowing in misery. This is a crucial first step to moving on. Good luck.

But I Thought You Liked Me

Jury duty, you are such a tease. For weeks now, I’ve been preparing for the possibility of being out of work for five weeks. I was all ready to show up at the courthouse yesterday as you requested, but when I called you on Tuesday evening to find out what time you needed me, you told me that you had so many jurors for this trial that it was going to take you days to get through them all and to call back the next day. This hurt me a little, because I thought I meant something to you, but I understand that you’re really busy, so I let it go. But when I called back last night, you told me to not even bother calling you until next Wednesday. What’s up with that, jury duty? Apparently, I don’t mean as much to you as I thought. I really thought we had something special, but I guess I’m just a number to you.

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I know that lately, most of my posts have been my whining about jury duty and being sick. And sadly, I don’t see things changing any time soon, because I’m sick again. Either I have the world’s longest running cold or my spring allergies have kicked in. I’m bitter.

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I am sending a mass card to my uncle’s family. A mass card is something that Catholics send to other Catholics when someone dies. You make a small donation to a church or religious order and they say a couple of Masses for the deceased. I didn’t know where to get a Mass card, but my grandmother gave me one (she keeps a supply on hand at all times; apparently, at her age, she uses them all the time as her contemporaries are dropping like flies). Mass cards generally have some kind of religious imagery on them. This one has perhaps the cheesiest picture of Jesus I’ve ever seen. Not only is Jesus really pale and Northern European looking, but the quality of the painting is what you might find at one of those “starving artist” sales, the ones at Holidays Inns where all the paintings are $29 or less. It’s awesome in its awfulness.

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Someone got here by searching for “the clap song syphilis.” I have no idea what this is, but I have two points to make: 1) I believe that the term “the clap” actually refers to gonorrhea, and 2) I totally want to hear this song.

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To the person who was searching for “the mixed tape lyrics meanings”: I’m pretty sure that with lyrics like

This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking ‘bout what I've given up
This is a warning
When you start the day just to close the curtains
You're thinking ‘bout what I've given up

Where are you now?
As I’m swimming through the stereo
I’m writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

[…]

And I can’t get to you
I can’t get to you
I can’t get to you (you, you)

this song is about making a mix tape for an ex with whom things have gone wrong.

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Someone else wants to know “what songs should i put on my mixed cds?” You’ve come to the right place, gentle reader, because Lady Tiara loves her some mixed CDs. Of course, the answer depends on what you’re going for with the mixed CD. Do you want a party mix or is it for someone you want to sleep with you? If the former, here are some suggestions:

Bizarre Love Triangle – New Order
I Want You Back – Hoodoo Gurus
That’s Entertainment – the Jam
Kelly Watch the Stars – Air
I Go Crazy – Flesh for Lulu
La La Love You – Pixies
Don’t Leave Me This Way – the Communards
Le Disko – Shiny Toy Guns
I Wanna Be Your Lover – Prince
I Love a Man in Uniform – Gang of Four
A Praise Chorus – Jimmy Eat World
The Look of Love - ABC
Speak Like a Child – Style Council

If it’s the latter, here are some suggestions:

Fairytale of New York – the Pogues
My Baby Just Cares for Me – Nina Simone
Skips a Beat (Over You) – Promise Ring
You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me – Dusty Springfield
The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side – Magnetic Fields
Kiss at the End of the Rainbow – Mitch and Mickey
For Blue Skies – Strays Don’t Sleep
Only You – Yaz
Pale Blue Eyes – Velvet Underground
Hyponotised – Might Lemon Drops
Written in the Stars – Paul Weller

Good luck!