Does This Make Me Look Fat?

I had a doctor’s appointment today, and they weighed me. I can’t say I enjoy stepping on the scale, but it’s not that big a deal. My weight is always pretty much the same, give or take two pounds. Sure, I’d like to lose 5 or 10 pounds, but I’m still in a single-digit size, so I’m not worrying too much about it (and I’m really lazy, I hate exercising, and I love drink and food—yes, in that order). So, the nurse’s aid tells me to hop on the scale, and I do. And the scale reads 224. 224!

The nurse’s aid doesn’t say anything or act like this is unusual, and I notice that the scale can register weight in pounds or kilograms, so I figure that is my weight in kilograms. I know what you’re thinking right now, but please remember that I was educated in the United States of America, and we don’t do the metric system. The metric system is a tool of the Communists or the devil or something like that. The nurse’s aid enters my info into the fancy new computerized patient chart system and leaves me to wait for my doctor.

The next person to arrive on the scene is a physician’s assistant student, who is studying with my doctor. She takes a brief history. She asks me if I use any illegal street drugs. (Does anyone actually answer “yes” to this question at the doctor’s office?) As she is typing into my chart, she says, “Well, that can’t be right.”

Me: “What?”

Student: “You don’t weigh 224 pounds.”

Me: “Oh, I think that is my weight in kilograms.”

She gives me a pitying look. “No, you see, your weight in kilograms would be less than your weight in pounds.”

Me: “Oh.” I am truly bewildered by the thought that the nurse’s aid actually thinks I weigh 224 pounds. I know weight is hard to guess, but she added about 100 pounds. Damn it, I knew this shirt makes me look fat.

Student: “Hmmh, I can’t figure out how to change this. I’ll have the doctor fix it.”

Well, predictably, the doctor doesn’t know how to fix it either. Apparently, there is no provision in the system for correcting mistakes. What happens if they type in the wrong diagnosis? (Oh, did I type cancer? I meant canker.) So my weight is now 224 pounds. Which means I have a BMI of 36. Anything over 30 is considered obese. Anyway, they should be pretty impressed at my next appointment by my amazing weight loss.