I’ll Take a Boob Job, a Tummy Tick, and a Hoo-Ha Lift

Yesterday, the Post had a super-creepy article on vaginal surgery. I was only vaguely aware that such a field existed, so the article was a huge—and profoundly disturbing—revelation. My first thought was this: It’s not bad enough that I have to worry about how my face, my skin, and my body look—now I have to worry about my cooch too? What.the.fuck.

I can see how women with sexual dysfunction are driven to laser procedures in an effort to solve a major problem. But there doesn’t seem to be any actual evidence that these procedures work. And do you really want a laser anywhere near your va-jay-jay? I sure as hell don’t.

Far more disturbing are the truly cosmetic procedures. Some women are having surgery to make their ladyparts look younger. Woman are apparently wanting for a “nice sleek look,” and according to the doctor who invented and popularized these procedures, “Women tell me they want to look like they’re 18 again.” You know, when I was 18, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time looking at my cooter with a magnifying mirror, so I don’t really have a basis for comparison. But I can’t say I spend a lot of time worrying about it looking old. Silly me. I’ve spent all this time worrying about wrinkles and gray hairs, when I should have been doing something about my aging box. This is just stupid. (Besides, if a man is spending too much time looking at it, he’s not doing things right.)

There’s also a procedure called a hymenoplasty that can revirginize you. It’s apparently increasingly popular in cultures in which virginity is prized. The article mentioned a woman who was having the surgery before returning home to Egypt to be examined by a gynecologist before an arranged marriage.

In a situation like this, where there’s all kinds of potential for family shame and dishonor, the need for the surgery is understandable. But there are also people who are getting this done as a little something special for the men in their lives: “Some of his patients… are celebrating a new relationship or a second honeymoon.” This is just so fucked up I don’t even know where to begin. Why would you want to relive losing your virginity? Was your first time really so amazing? Were there candles and romantic music and you felt the earth move? Or was it so awful that you want a second chance? All I can say is, been there, done that. My hymen can stay broken, thank you very much.