Lady Tiara Hearts Viktor & Rolf

Last year, I waited a few days before hitting H&M for the Stella McCartney collection, and by the time I got there, all they had left were key chains. And you know, a Stella McCartney keychain is much like any other keychain. This year, I was determined not to miss out on the Viktor & Rolf collection. I really like the Viktor & Rolf aesthetic, and this may be my only chance to own any of their clothes, barring any unforeseen lottery winnings.

H&M opens at 10 a.m. I arrived there at 10:10. As I approached the store, I noticed a woman looking at me. We were obviously heading to the same place. She gave me the stinkeye and started running to get to the door first. I really wanted to say, “Slow down, sweetie, you’re clearly a size 2, so it’s not as if we’ll be fighting over the same clothes.” I walked into the store and saw that the Viktor & Rolf section was completely picked over and that there appeared to be none of the four dresses I was interested in left on the racks. 10 minutes, people. I suppose I should have lined up at 8 a.m. I grabbed two tops and the black coat (in a size larger than normal, since it was very fitted and looked tiny) and headed to the dressing room. I went to the end of the very long line and prepared to wait. And wait. And wait.

The wait was interminable, but also somewhat entertaining. A bit of what ran through my head:

Upon noticing that they were playing the Viktor & Rolf commercial on continuous loop: “This is the coolest commercial ever. I love V&R. I wish I wasn’t already married so I could get married in that wedding dress.”

After watching the commercial on continuous loop approximately 30 times: “Don’t they have any other videos to show?”

Upon noticing two different over-50 women wearing leggings: “Looks like my decision to never ever ever in a million years wear legging in this millennium was a good one.”

Looking at the mother/daughter duo several places in front on me: “Do they really think that because both of them dye their hair that awful shade that people will actually think it’s natural? … Shit, I really am an awful person. But seriously, these clothes are best suited for anorexic amazons and neither of them fall into that category. Or even close… Why so bitchy, Princess? Why shouldn’t this mother and daughter be able to enjoy a little shopping together? … This could be you and your mom… (hysterical silent laughter) Oh wait, my mother would have no idea who Viktor & Rolf are because they don’t carry them at Talbot’s or Lands End… They are each holding approximately 30 items of V&R… Wait a minute, everyone in this fucking line is holding like 30 items… Did they just grab everything their greedy little hands could carry? No wonder this line isn’t moving. I’m going to be here all day… Do I even like these clothes…”

As the woman is front of me—the same woman who beat me to the door on the way in—eventually gives a frustrated sigh and stomps off: “Ha! Quitter!”

I eventually make it into a dressing room. During my long wait in line, I could see lots of V&R being rejected and put back out on the racks, so I had some hope that the items I really wanted might actually be available. One of the tops I tried on was a weird sweater/shirt combo (silk shirt in the front, sweater in the sleeves and back). While I appreciated the concept, it just didn’t work on me. The white angora sweater was much better and has a lot of possibilities. I’ll probably remove the little heart pendant, since it’s a bit much with the bow, but it would be a cool necklace on its own (V&R love hearts and bows and they are all over this collection). The coat was adorable, but huge, and fit oddly, so even going down a size probably wouldn’t have helped.

I hung on to the sweater and hit the floor again. I snagged two of the dresses and bought them, skipping a second trip to the dressing room (I can only take so much masochism in one day). Instead of the usual blah plastic H&M bag, you get a really nice V&R special shopping bag, made out of heavy white paper with black ribbon handles. I know it’s just a shopping bag, but I am a shopping bag connoisseur and this is a very fine example. They also threw in some samples of V&R’s new scent Flowerbomb, which is pretty, but a bit headier than the kind of scents I like to wear.

Sadly, the red silk dress didn’t work at all, as it was way too small. It was oddly cut: the arms were almost too tight, even in the forearms (my arms are extremely average in size, so this is odd), the top fit fine, and the bottom I couldn’t even button. Luckily, the black dress fit perfectly, even though it was supposed to be the same size as the red one. I’ll be returning the red dress, so if anyone really wants it in size 8 that’s really more like a 4, you may be in luck (they’re out of this one in all sizes as far as I know).

So although it was a bit harrowing, it really wasn’t that bad, and I got two cool things. Much better than New York, where they were lined up around the block and the collection was completely sold out 30 minutes after the store opened.