The Dominatrix Upstairs

I’m suffering from major writer’s block these days, and all my attempts at long, meaningful posts are going nowhere, so it’s all short notes.

1. My long-time readers (both of you) may remember an incident from last year where I went to the gynecologist for my annual exam and a possibly blind nurse’s aid recorded my weight as 224 pounds. Even with really heavy shoes, a few cameras on me, and my big bones, I am far from being 224 pounds. I went back to the doctor today for this year’s annual exam. Everything looks fine, but they still haven’t figured out how to fix my record. On the up side, everyone is totes impressed with my massive weight loss.

2. I’m pretty sure my upstairs neighbor is a dominatrix. Early every morning, I can hear her clacking around in high heels. It seems to be the first thing she puts on in the morning. Perhaps this is normal for others, but shoes are usually at the end of my morning routine. She makes all sorts of weird noises day and night, as if she is dragging furniture around the floor. There’s another noise I often hear that sounds like some kind of metal being dragged across the floor. So, here is my theory: She’s a dominatrix and is running a business out of the apartment. She wears high heels 24/7 because, hello, have you ever seen a dominatrix not in heels? The furniture dragging sound must be her moving her torture equipment around. And the metal being dragged across the floor? Clearly, that’s the sound of the chains she uses to imprison her submissives. Please admire my Nancy Drew-like detective skills.

3. Fall makes me think of college, because fall was always really beautiful in the town where I went to school. Thinking of college made me think of this guy that I had a crush on for like three days in college. I got over it when I realized he was really boring. Recently, I heard that he’s a darling of the neocons for his rather reactionary views on certain subjects, so it doesn’t seem that we would have much in common these days. I saw a picture of him, and although it was only from the neck up, his head was twice the size it was in college, leading me to suspect a really significant weight gain. Here’s to no longer having bad taste in men.