Your Shoes Make Me Die a Thousand Little Deaths

The other day I was in a cab, and I saw someone who looked familiar walking down the street. I knew I recognized her from somewhere, but it took me a minute to figure out who she was. My first job out of college was at a non-profit organization that I like to refer to as the seventh circle of hell. In my last year there, a new person joined the office. She seemed a little odd, but she wasn’t really out of place, since there were a lot of odd people working there. Some of my co-workers found her just way too strange and didn’t like her very much, and to be honest she did have some weird habits, although they were totally harmless. Among the behaviors that drove people crazy:

1. When she had to come to your cube to ask you a question, she wouldn’t knock on the edge of the partition, or cough to get your attention, or you know, say your name or anything. She would just stand there until you noticed her. The guy in the cubicle across from me told me that she once waited at my cube entrance for approximately 8 minutes before I noticed her. (Yes, I’m oblivious.)

2. She would not speak to you for weeks, not even to say “hi” if you passed her in the hall, but then suddenly, she would accost you and bend your ear for 45 minutes on some very obscure topic, like the temperature at which steel is made.

3. She ate lunch by herself everyday (not so strange at all; I can’t say I enjoyed eating with most of my co-workers either), but she accomplished this by standing outside, no matter what the weather, in a small concrete stairwell, that led to some sort of electrical circuit door in the bowels of the building.

As I said, none of these things bothered me particularly. I figured as long as she didn’t go postal, she could behave as weirdly as she wanted in the office. But she did do one thing that drove me absolutely nuts. She wore white shoes. Year-round*. And she wore her white shoes (pumps, no less) over thick black tights. I know it may seem like a small thing, but it drove me absolutely crazy. Every time I saw the shoes/tights combo, I actually shuddered**. Just picture it in your head, and see if you don’t shudder just a little too.

So when I saw her the other day, here is what ran through my head:

“That woman looks familiar… Oh, it’s that weird chick I used to work with… What was her name again? ... Why did I think she was so weird?… She looks fairly normal…”

And then the cab passed her, and I looked back and got a full view of her, and I saw something interesting: She was still wearing the white pumps with the black tights. All I could do was sigh.

*I know my “white pants, skirts, dresses, and shoes should only be worn between Memorial Day and Labor Day” rule is a hopeless battle, but I like to maintain some standards.
**I’m extremely sensitive that way. Even the smallest glimpse of a fashion infraction (like, say, a picture of Sienna Miller sporting leggings) can send me over the edge.