I Swear, I'm Really a Size 6 (Well, 8 in jeans)

Because I am lazy and can’t seem to make it to the gym these days, I figured I might look into some diets*. I tried Atkins once a few years back and I lasted about 4 days, at which point I gave up because the lack of carbs was causing me to want to stab someone (anyone) with a rusty fork. Baby loves her carbs. I looked into the South Beach Diet, which promises all kinds of amazing results (all with the disclaimer that results are not typical). I signed up for a “free diet profile,” which didn’t really tell me anything. It quickly became obvious that this whole South Beach thing wasn’t going to work for me, for a variety of reasons.

1. It would involve a lot of cooking on my part, and I don’t have that much time or interest**.
2. It would require giving up lots of things that I enjoy eating (sugar-free popsicles as a “delicious snack”? I think not.).
3. Nowhere does it state how much it costs to sign up for this, which makes me wary (and surely it would be cheaper to just buy the book).
4. Like I said above, I’m lazy, so I just don’t see me sticking to this, and do I really need daily emails to remind me that I’m a lazy, overweight loser?

Unfortunately, despite many disclaimers and my unchecking every possible box when I submitted my email address for my “diet profile,” it seems that the South Beach diet people have sold my address. I am now receiving multiple messages urging me to join “Big Beautiful Personals Plus,” so I can meet other Big Beautiful Singles. Yeesh, I only wanted to lose five pounds, not join a plus-size dating network.

*Because I’m a lazy American who wants an easy solution to all my problems.
**Also, all this cooking would require Lord Kissington to be on the same diet, something that makes him shriek in horror.