I'm Back and I'm Hotter Than Ever

I have been incommunicado lately for a couple of reasons. I’ve been sick for the last few days. I seem to be recovering now, but I was slammed by a summer bug combined with recurring migraines and what is perhaps a bad reaction to the heat (what can I say, I’m totally a delicate flower). Also, I’ve had something hanging over my head causing me stress lately, and the situation has finally resolved itself, and although the outcome is not what I wanted, it’s basically what I was expecting, so I can live with it (sorry to be so cryptic, and please don’t read too much into this—I don’t have cancer or anything terrible). So between being stressed out and sick, I haven’t gotten out much recently, and I haven’t had a whole lot to say.

However, the heat and being sick have made me extra cranky, and I do have a few things to say.

1. I am morally opposed to Segways. The only people I ever see riding them are relatively young and seemingly able-bodied, so what is the deal? Are you just that lazy that you think it’s ok to ride around on one of those stupid things, nearly running down pedestrians who are actually moving on their own power? Just wondering.

2. Ladies, if you have large hips and/or ass, please realize that the pencil skirt is not your friend. Try an A-line or a full skirt. Just trust me on this one.

3. Another one for the ladies: If you have short stumpy calves, flats are not your friend. Neither are flip flops. Buy some heels. Your legs will thank you.

4. Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock are getting hitched. If anyone can make marriage work, it’s these two kids. Congrats, guys! (Is Kid Rock a step up or a step down from Tommy Lee? I’ll be pondering this one for days.)

5. In the past few days, I have spotted three different women sporting knee-length leather (or perhaps pleather in one case) boots. Do they not know it’s July? Do their calves get really, really cold in the summer? Did the one I saw today wake up this morning and say to herself, “Wow, it’s only going to be 90 degrees today. It’s totally boot weather!” It boggles the mind.

6. Fake chicken is really not so bad. Spray butter is awesome. Who knew?

7. Although there is still no sign of Tom and Katie’s miracle baby, someone did spot a stroller. And what is in that stroller, you might wonder. I suspect it’s one of those scarily realistic infant dolls they use on TV to play newborns since they can’t actually hire a newborn. Those dolls scare me. At least they don’t throw up though.