tiaras optional

"My only argument is with those who do not view the world as cynically as I do." Michael Korda

Thursday, March 02, 2006

To Everyone Who Is Pissing Me off These Days, Please Stop

This week hasn’t been going well. I am incredibly stressed out about the wedding, and I’m not handling it very well. Lord Kissington and I never fight and we actually had an argument the other night. I’ve been going crazy at the gym in an effort to burn off some of the excess stress and rage but it’s not really working. My apartment looks like a combination between a pigsty and a Crate and Barrel showroom (well, a Crate and Barrel showroom that has really let itself go).

To my mother: Seriously, does it really matter whether the floral arrangements for the tables are in square or round vases? I said I liked the square vases. Was it really necessary to spend 15 minutes arguing with me and the florist about the vases?

To my neighbors and the rental office: Why did you pick this week to send me a letter complaining about noises that we’re not making? For the entire time we’ve lived in this apartment, there have occasionally been loud hammering noises that go on for hours. The noises are clearly coming from the floor below us. On several occasions, we’ve gotten calls from the front desk asking us to stop hammering. Each time, I have patiently explained that the noises are not coming from our apartment. Each time, I have asked the person who called to tell the complainant that the noises were not coming from our apartment, but, apparently, this was never done. I’ve gotten only one call in the last year, but yesterday you saw fit to give me a letter saying that my neighbors are complaining about my hammering. I’M NOT FUCKING HAMMERING, YOU IDIOTS! Whoever is making these noises is hammering for hours on end. This is not a few pictures being hung. Come into my apartment. You’ll see that I’m not building anything. Perhaps you should check out my neighbors’ apartments. With the amount of hammering that’s been going on lately, I can only imagine the culprit is building something really large, like a fallout shelter.

To my hairdresser: I love what you do with my hair. And I think yesterday’s trial run for my wedding hairstyle was great. But sadly, the makeup trial didn’t go as well. You made me look like a six-year-old who has gotten into her mother’s makeup bag. Was it necessary to add foundation several shades darker than my natural skin color? I am very pale. If I thought I looked good tan, I would be tan. I’m Irish. We don’t tan; we burn. And what was with all that lip liner to make my upper lips look bigger? Those were clown lips. Sadly, because I am so bad at confrontation and I don’t want to upset our relationship, I will probably still let you do my makeup the morning of the wedding and then go home and do it over again myself. And now I’m just mad at myself.

To the guy at Potbelly who gave me the wrong sandwich and then got mad at me: Yes, I’m sorry that I ended up with the wrong sandwich, but you did say “shwiisgm slaughtyet” and to me that sounded like chicken salad, not turkey breast. And it wasn’t crowded, so I’m not sure how someone who was behind me in line had their sandwich come out of the toaster before mine. But hey, this was clearly my fault.

To the creepy maintenance guy in my building: I actually walk in the other direction most times that I see you coming, just so I won’t have to have awkward, creepy conversations with you where you leer at me. But last night, I couldn’t avoid it. I had to get on the elevator so I was forced to walk past you. But was it really necessary to try to pull me into your stupid conversation and call me “baby”? Shudder.

To our DJ: Did you have to try to guilt me about not making a big deal of the cake-cutting? Was it necessary for you to tell me that this wedding isn’t all about me? Believe me, I’ve known that for months. And is the cake-cutting thing really that important to everyone? He says it’s a photo op. Well, I chose my photographer because he doesn’t really do photo ops, he does candids. And we’re definitely not planning to shove cake in each other’s mouths. If this were some sort of important wedding ritual, I could see the point, but I’ve always regarded it as a good time to hit the bar. And as for the suggested “daddy/daughter dance,” calling it that sounds supercreepy. And I simply can’t imagine dancing with my father to any of the traditional tacky songs, like “Daddy’s Little Girl” or “To Sir, with Love.” The thought makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Dad and I both really dig the Clash and Lou Reed, so maybe if you play something by one of them…

To my insomnia and my brain: Couldn’t you just give me a break this week? I really need some sleep. Is it necessary to wake me up every morning at least an hour before the alarm goes off? And this morning, did you have to wake me up at 4:30 and then allow me to fall back to sleep 15 minutes before the alarm went off at 6:45?

To my subconscious: What was up with that weird dream about my high school being torn down to build luxury condos? Don’t I have enough to worry about without you freaking me out?

6 Comments:

  • At 3/2/06, 3:55 PM, Blogger Big Sky Girl said…

    Etta, honey, even though we have never met; I adore you. So, I say this from the bottom oh my heart. Chill out.

    I know that planning a wedding is stressful and I know how shit can totally hit the fan at innapropriate times and I know how stupid people seem to be radio dispatched to screw with you when you least need it. You've read my blog, you know that I totally feel you on this. So here is what I reccomend?

    Call a spa. Don't tell me you don't have time. Call a spa, get a massage. Pricey yes. An hour out of your day, yes. But part of what is causing your anxiety is a build up pf toxins in your system. I don't have time to get into a medical eexplanation, but get a massage.

    Second, either a) go to the doctor and get 7 dats of ambien OR b) go to CVS and buy a commercial sleeping aid. You need rest, exhaustion is just making this worse.

    Third, screw the DJ, the florist and whoever else gets in your way about this wedding. A few years ago I planned my friends wedding with 2 weeks notice and 1000 dollars. That meant certain "traditions" had to get the axe. People tried to fight with me, but my response was the same. The people I paid heard, "We are not going to discuss this any further, and if you continue to argue with me about the details of a wedding that is not your own you will be replaced and complaints will be filed with the BBB."

    And to the people in her family the response was, "This is an important day for everyone, but the odds that you will remember square vs. round vases are nil. And if that is what is important to you about this wedding then you simply shouldn't attend. But if you here to show love and support you will register your ideas and complaints once before silencing yourself in defernece to the couple getting married." Speak in a nice firm tone and then refuse to address the issue further. And if they still give you hell, email me and I'll give em a good talking to. The hell this wedding isn't all about you and LK.

    Now take a breath, swithc to decaf, get a massage, take an ambien and breathe some more. Oh and as for your apt. bldg: type up a letter about the hammering make 100 copies and deliver it to every apartment on above and below your own. Explain that you are not the source of the hammering and that you believe it is coming from beneath you and that you are equally frustrated by it. Then send on to your mgr. telling him/her that it is not you and thus, his responsibility to find out who it is and put a stop to it.

    Okay, that about covers everything. Except the makeup which in my opinion, you should just forgo. Tell the hairdresser that a friend who isn't in the wedding party really wants to do this for you to be apart of your special day. Tip her extra for the hair and call it good. And if you still need someone to do your makeup email me, I used to do beauty pageants there is nothing I can't do with an eyeshadow brush;-)

    Take care.

     
  • At 3/2/06, 4:22 PM, Blogger Kathryn Is So Over said…

    Oh, Etta. I mean, I was chuckling this whole post. Annoyed Aggravated Etta = Funny Etta.

    But yet, I know you are frazzled. I am sending you soothing, calm, tranquil vibes right now.

     
  • At 3/2/06, 10:52 PM, Blogger Lady Tiara said…

    miss independent: thank you so much. i needed this. and in a way, writing this post helped to get rid of a lot of the stress. once i posted it, i felt much less crazy. i am taking all of your suggestions. they all make perfect sense. and really, this is all kind of ridiculous. it's just not worth the stress. as i said to my boss this morning. "things may not be perfect, but that's just fine. the wedding will be great and no one will remember every detail. they'll just remember the big stuff, like having a good time." and i just keep telling myself this is true. somehow it will all come together. serenity now.

    k: the worse things get, the more i have to write about. funny how that works out. and thanks for the tranquil vibes. i need them right now.

     
  • At 3/3/06, 12:08 AM, Blogger Big Sky Girl said…

    It's true. I've never met anyone (except my own parents who have a running complaint about a veil with a hat, don't ask it was '79) who cared more about one detail of their wedding then the general sense of fun and family.

     
  • At 3/3/06, 9:44 PM, Blogger JordanBaker said…

    Ohhhhhhhh.

    I think it's been one of those weeks for a lot of people, but yours sounds particularly bad.

     
  • At 3/5/06, 2:06 AM, Blogger Lady Tiara said…

    jb: it really has been one of *those* weeks.

     

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