Change Can Be Good

Don’t go changing, to try to please me…
I love you just the way you are.
--Billy Joel

Don’t change for you
Don’t change a thing for me
--INXS

Change is inevitable in life. But what about in love? Many years ago, when I was first dating the boyfriend I like to call Mr. Ex (which is short for “Mr. I don’t really want to be with you anymore, but I’m afraid to be alone, so I’m going to drag out the breakup for six months and leave you a quivering mess at the end of it, because well, I just don’t know what I want, and then even after I dump you, I’m going to call you every night and cry about how much I miss you, while I am actually dating someone else who I will marry six months later.”), I complained to him that I had a lot of issues with my family because they didn’t accept me for who I was and were always trying to change me (yes, I realize how earnest that sounds, but I was 23 at the time and not too far removed from the high school days of slamming doors and screaming things like “you can’t make me be like you.”). And he said, “Why would anyone want to change you when you’re perfect just the way you are?” That was a total swoon moment. Unfortunately, when he said, “You’re perfect just the way you are,” he really meant “You’re ok, but you would be much better if you would just follow this simple list of instructions. One through 20 are the really important ones. The other 40 are optional but strongly suggested.” He didn’t like my hair, no matter what I did with it. He wanted me to exercise more (not a bad thing in theory, but I weighed 107 pounds at the time and everyone thought I was anorexic). He criticized my clothes. He didn’t like my makeup. He found fault with my shopping habits (although I never charged anything and had no debt). He wanted me to be more assertive (except when I asserted my personality in the relationship; then assertiveness was a bad thing).

He was an extreme case, but I wonder if it’s inevitable that we try to change the one we love? I know I’ve affected some changes in Lord Kissington, but I like to think they weren’t too major and were desperately needed. For instance, I suggested that eating fast food seven times a week wasn’t the best way to keep the pounds off. And I suggested buying some new underwear, because the old ones were, well, not leaving much to the imagination. I suggest clothes I think he might look good in, but I would never force him to wear anything he didn’t like. In a relationship, one tries to introduce the beloved to all the things you like, in hopes that you can enjoy them together. In my case, baroque art and Don Delillo stuck, but show tunes didn’t. You can’t have everything. (On the flip side, Lord Kissington introduced me to the genius that is Sam Rockwell, but he may be regretting now that I’m all wicked hot in the pants for Mr. Rockwell.)

But how much is too much? I felt that Mr. Ex asking me to change my whole style of dressing was too much. Asking someone to wear their hair up because you like it that way. Acceptable. Asking someone to change their hair color. Too much. Suggesting someone try moisturizer. Acceptable. Asking someone to give up all their friends and family and join your exciting new cult. Way too much.