Weird Things (and Some Good Things)

1. When I left work on Friday night, a man on the street walked toward me and screamed “bitch.” I resisted my first impulse, which was to scream back, “Who the fuck are you calling a bitch.” I supressed that impulse when it occurred to me that an oddly dressed man with a 50-yard stare who was screaming at me for no reason wasn’t someone I really wanted to get into an argument with.

2. About 10 minutes later, I got stuck in an elevator, something I am deathly afraid of. It was only for a minute or two, but it kind of ruined my night.

3. Saturday night was a friend’s wedding. It was really just a reception (family-only ceremony was earlier in the day), so Lord Kissington and I met the Professor and Mary Ann for dinner beforehand at Bistro Français (I pretty much never eat out in Georgetown since it’s not exactly convenient and there are about 8000 restaurants in walking distance of my apartment, but the reception was in Georgetown, forcing me to try something new). If you get there between 5 and 7, they have an early bird special, with a glass of the house wine, an appetizer, an entrée, and dessert for 20 bucks. This was pretty great. Before you make the obvious jokes about early bird specials, I will mention that 80% of the people there at that time were 65 and up. We stood out because of our sparkling youth (ha!) and the fact that we were all in black tie (fancy fancy).

4. At the reception, I saw my father’s oldest friend. He didn’t recognize me. That wouldn’t annoy me so much, except that he and his wife are invited to my wedding, and I had to leave close friends off the list because the guest list was so tight. It seems odd that I have to invite a bunch of people I don’t know and people who don’t even recognize me, and I don’t get to have the people who actually know me there.

5. At least two of the people I would like to invite to the wedding but can’t were at this reception. I felt awful.

6. My adorable black velvet wedge evening shoes with the bows were the most painful things I have ever put on my feet. Most of you probably know the sanitized version of the Snow White fairy tale, but in the original, after the Prince saves Snow White, they invite the wicked stepmother to their wedding and she is forced to put on a pair of iron shoes that have been sitting in the fire so they’re red hot. Then she basically dances herself to death. (The original, non-Disneyfied versions of these tales are tres gory.) That’s how my feet felt by the end of the night.

7. Jesus must have been working miracles at the wedding, because toward the end of the night, they still had plenty of wine, but they had run out of water, so I was *forced* to have another drink.

8. Yesterday, I told my mother that there was one phrase that I did not want to hear from her again until after the wedding. The phrase is “I’ve never heard of that before,” or in a slight variation, “I’ve never heard of such a thing.” This phrase usually comes in response to something involving my wedding, and it’s said in a slightly incredulous tone, as if to indicate, “But why would anyone want to do *that*?” It’s been used in response to the following ideas:

a. the bridesmaids luncheon (not exactly unheard of)

b. sending invitations to the rehearsal dinner (not everyone does this, but I figure it can’t hurt, right?)

c. the maid of honor giving a toast/speech at the reception (she acted like this was crazy. This is really common, isn’t it? At every wedding I’ve been to in recent years, the Best Man and Maid of Honor have given toasts.)

d. not attaching the tiara to my veil (what if I want to ditch the veil at some point during the reception, but keep the tiara on?)

e. and about 15 other things.

I finally got her to admit that she hasn’t been to a wedding in 13 years. I don’t consider myself to be any kind of wedding expert, but seeing as I have actually been to a few in this millennium, I think I might know a thing or two.

9. I got to spend some quality time with my Maid of Honor yesterday, which was really nice.

10. Can anyone explain the phrase “hairdryer treatment” to me? Apparently, this is some sort of Britishism. Used in a sentence: “A close friend said: ‘Sienna went absolutely ballistic when Jude told her Sadie and the kids would be staying with him. She screamed and shouted, giving him the real hairdryer treatment.’” Does it mean she blew hot air all over him? Any explanations would be appreciated.

11. When I was runing a spell/grammar check on this entry, the phrase "Who the fuck are..." came up as being "grammatically incorrect." Word suggested that I change it to "fuck is" or "fucks are."