Sidewalk Makeovers

Do you ever wish you could just walk up to people on the street and politely point out their sartorial errors? For years, I have been doing impromptu makeovers in my mind of people I see on the street. Like, she has a pretty face, but she needs a much less brassy haircolor. Or, that skirt really isn’t doing that poor girl any favors. Or, really wanting to say something to a long-ago co-worker who wore clunky white pumps with black tights year-round (and it seems she still does). An ex-boyfriend thought that this tendency made me a horrible person*. I tried to explain that I did it out of a sense of wanting everyone to look their best, which is quite noble of me, no?

His response: “Maybe they don’t want your help!”

To which I replied, “They may not want it, but they certainly need it.”

He remained unconvinced. He also wore Tevas with socks, so his judgment in such matters was sorely lacking. As was mine for ever dating him. In my defense, it was the 90s.

I would never actually stop anyone to tell them all the things that are wrong with their outfits, because I’m really a very polite person and I have no wish to hurt anyone’s feelings or be beaten senseless by sensitive strangers.

And sometimes I just try to ignore everyone I see on the street with a live and let live attitude. Hey, if they’re happy looking like that, why should I be bothered? But there are some days when I see so many mishaps that I just can’t turn off the makeover button.

Here are a few of the things I might have said to people I saw the other day:

1. To the man in the madras shorts: Sir, I understand that you may really like madras. It’s got that whole preppie/I’m off to go sailing vibe, but you have a bubble butt, and madras was not created for the bubble butts of the world. The plaid is actually straining across your girth. Let’s try a solid color next time.

2. To the man in the hemmed jean shorts: No no no! My eyes! Then I would have run screaming in horror. How do these shorts still exist?

3. To the young woman with the VPL: I understand this one completely; we’ve all been guilty of it at one time or another. But that skirt is too clingy and your ass too loose**, and the VPL is just so out there. Proper undergarments will solve this problem. There’s a valuable lesson here: always look (or have someone else look) at your backside before you leave the house. (Then she turned around and I got a look at the “I just stepped in something disgusting” look she was sporting, and I thought that perhaps she had bigger issues than VPL.)

4. To the young woman in the strapless sundress: Yes, I see the cardigan in your hand, and I’m sure you’re going to put it on as soon as you get to work, but that dress really isn’t appropriate for the workplace, and that cardigan actually doesn’t match it. And the dress needs a good ironing. Also, it’s creating rolls of back fat (see above lesson about the backside). On the plus side, you have very nice legs, so I’d recommend an outfit that emphasizes those.

*Sadly, this was just one of many tendencies that he found “horrible.”
**I would say this in the kindest possible tone, as my ass is none too firm these days, but I make every effort to disguise that fact.